Edited by: Bill Sharpton, ph. D UFOlogist.
Frank wakes up hung-over on his 601st day in space. His eyes are almost swollen shut, and when he tries to open them for just a second, he sees a desk which he thinks is his. The light hurts too much, so he closes his eyes and tries to fall back asleep. He lays and watches kaleidoscopic rainbows float against a red background for 3 hours. All he can think about is the tiny little man kicking the side of his head, and the fact that he's getting bigger.
THUMP!
He falls out of bed.
"EAAuuurrrueeaaaauuuuugh!"
He screamed and screamed and screamed. He hits his head, he feels like he's dead.
"Shit! what the hell did i do last night!?" Frank asked his brain. It was still asleep. That lazy bastard never works when he needs it. It was because of whoever was kicking him. That little man had become an angry red giant. He walked over to his washroom, every step was another kick.
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
He got to the bathroom, when he stopped walking he finally realized that there was another little man twisting his guts. He managed to get to the sink, to see his face, with a greenish tone to it. with his red puffy reptile eyes. His nose was dry, but the rest of him was covered in a slimy, sweaty glaze.
He puked.
Vomit flew like colourful rockets. For twenty minutes, chunks of red, blue, yellow, violet came out amongst a thick green-yellow-brown slime. It smelt disgusting good.
"Like fish assholes," he giggled.
Finally, he tried to wash his hands, struggling to get the poop out from underneath his fingernails. He brushes his teeth trying to get rid of that ever-present stench of fish assholes.
He pukes again. It's back.
Frank goes back to his bedroom, and he sees one of the fattest, ugliest She-rex's he's ever seen.
"Holy Raptor Jesus!" He shouts.
Frank's horrible excitement wakes her, she starts, “Hey you were really go-”
“Shut up! Shut up! I don't care who you are or what you've done. Just get the hell out of my quarters!” Frank interrupted. The She-zilla grabbed his blanket wrapped it around her body and got out of that place as fast as her thunder thighs could take her.
“Jod damn it. That's the third set of sheets I've lost this week.” Frank mulled over his party too hard lifestyle that he'd been leading as of late. It sure wasn't getting him any satisfaction. A clock caught his eye.
10:43.
“Cocks!” he proclaimed profanely, “ I should've been flying this thing forty minutes ago. I'm surprised we're still even alive.” He grabbed one of the many shirts, pants, and some of the socks on the floor, hoping something in his room was still clean. He grabbed his shoes as he ran out of his room, into the hallway, for the elevator.
-----------
Bill and Maudie, a respected T-Rex couple were walking down one of the many halls of the S.S. Delores one fateful Sunday morning when they saw the captain of their fine ship running around looking exceptionally gross and naked.
"Oh dear!" Maudie yelped, "I wonder whatever could be the matter with him?"
"I don't know," Bill honestly answered, "but I don't know how well I still trust the management of this place. I mean did you catch a whiff of the captain when he came on running by? He kinda reeked of puke, and rum, and..." he paused to think for a second letting that lingering smell wash over his palette. It was familiar, almost too familiar.
"Fish assholes!" Maudie yelled out, louder then she meant to. The Johnsons happened to be walking by at this moment, too late to experience the horrible by-product of a dinosaur who for one night had too much fun. They turned around, they looked, and they judged.
----------
Frank finally got all dressed and got to the bridge of the ship, He knew he looked like shit, and that shit was what he was gonna get from his supervisor.
“What's that smell?” the supervisor's nose picked up fish assholes from a mile away. He turned around to investigate, and saw Frank. Relieved and disappointed, he shouted out, “Geeeeeeezus Raptor Christ on a cross! You're an hour late! You should be fired! You should be court-martialed! You should be launched into the sun!”
“Yes sir, sorry sir,” was the only reply Frank could think to mutter back. He knew he was in deep shit, between this and his hangover his life was hell.
“And why the hell do you look and smell like, shit and fish? Why the hell are you still standing around, get to your post before I tear you a fishy new one!” The onslaught continued, but Frank tuned it out.
He walked over to his little control panel, trying his best to go in a straight line.
“Hey what's the matter?” Thumper the supervisor said, “you look like you've got a stick up your ass. You gotta use the bathroom or somethin?”
“No sir, I ate some bad Deinonychous food last night. My stomach's just been off the rocker since.” Frank had been thinking about a shoddy excuse since he left his apartment, and this is the rubbish he came up with. He knew he had a crappy excuse, and that in itself made him feel crappy.
“Come on, who do you think broke your 600th day anniversary when it got too wild last night. Me and Felicia had to carry you back to your room last night.” Thumper had spoken,
Oh god, the dam of ignorance burst open, memories flooding in, drowning Frank in a sea of regrets. He remembered the unspeakable acts that were committed last night, the demonic lust, the insatiable appetites, even Lovecraft couldn't think of horrors so unspeakable.
“Look I know you might feel like shit, but it's your own damn fault. So get to work.”
Frank's face turned white, he started sweating profusely, he soaked through his shirt soon enough. He started choking up. “oh god, everyone remembered,” he thought. His anxious thoughts were magnified through the haze of his hangover. He felt very unsettled; a deep chasm was forming within him. He thought it was in his soul. A great surge of pressure spread up from his body and to his head.
He puked. He didn't know he still had it in him, the force of this projectile sent him flying back, a vomit rocket, which was about to take him to strange new places.
“Shit! Shit! What did you do!?” The supervisor started screaming.
Frank looked up at the control panel, and also started shouting -everyone was much too loud those days-, “Shit, shiiit! What the hell did I do?”
The control panel looked like it was melting under Frank's The ship barrel rolled though spaced, flying almost at light speed for a tiny blue planet trillions of kilometers away.
Now some scientists say that in space, you can't hear a thing. But that's a load of crap. In fact, thousands of civilizations with their massive radio antennas pointed towards the stars picked up some sort of sound in they sky that night. Some of them picked up a long, continues “ih” noise, others caught a “sh” many of them heard something that sounded like “it”. No one knew what it meant, but it sounded horrible. Bad news was headed someone's way.
The dinosaurs managed to slow down the ship a hell of a lot before they crashed into a large, gray building somewhere on a planet called Earth. Most of the dinosaurs died. There were few people injured, the ones that survived made it out strong. Everyone was way too angry though.
“Damn it Frank! This was your damn fault wasn't it?” piped Jill, who was one of the unlucky injured ones. She was missing an arm, and she looked bloody angry.
“Alright listen. Whoever's willing and able needs to try and gather supplies and anything salvageable from the ship, I'm gonna go out to find where we're at, and what kinds of creatures built this building.” Frank said, seeming calm and controlled, the adrenaline overtook his hangover for now. And he left, leaving a cacophony of angry voices behind him. Naturally nobody did what they were told to do.
Frank, walked around for a bit, found a little map of the city, and walked until he met up with a mysterious life form. It was Bill, one of Hollywood's most prestigious junkies. Bill was leaning against a bunch of doors. It looked like he just ripped them off some squats, Pieces of door frames were still attached to some of them.
"Hey man, you got five bucks?" Bill mumbled to Frank, "You wanna buy my doors?"
He persisted, "Buy my doors! Come on man! I've gotta get some glue! I'm sick of huffing fermented shit to get high! Fuck! Just Buy these doors!" Frank was getting pissed off, this guy smelt worse than those fish assholes that keep stalking him.
His headache was back, the smell was bringing tears to his eyes. This planet must be hell. A river of tears started to flow from Frank's eyes. He realized he might be stuck on his hellhole forever.
In a rage, he almost bit off the junkies head. When he got too close though, the smell made him gag. He couldn't do it. He couldn't kill this highly adapted creature.
He ran away and started on his murderous rampage, feeding on anything that looked edible, killing anything else that moved. The people walking on the parallel street were really impressed by what they were seeing. "Are they finally shooting Jurassic Park 5?" A man could be heard asking, "Well I'm glad they're not using CG."
Yes they were actually shooting Jurassic Park 5, but it was in a shady Korean studio, where hundreds of people had come to work on the all new totally 3D Jurassic Park 5 movie.
None of this really mattered anyway, because hundreds of people had just been killed, and nobody had even tried to stop it, at least Frank and his friends weren't gonna be hungry for the next few days. He grabbed a few bodies and headed back into the mountains. Back to that abandoned movie studio he now called home.
"Who let her in here?" Frank demanded when he noticed Donna. Donna was one of Hollywood's most glorious prostitutes. Donna was standing beside the wreck of the space shit, shrieking “ Haey you!” for a little while, but the dinosaurs were ignoring her now.
“This thing keeps telling she loves here,” said the man who was once supervisor Thumper
Donna stood there beside the space ship, too scared to move, to do anything but shriek, so she shrieked a little louder, “ What do you think you're doing here! Who do you think is gonna pay for this hole! Where's my baby!?”
“I swear to Jod, Thumper if she's not eaten in the next 5 seconds I'm gonna rip you apart.”
The hooker jumped, she quickly looked around, ran to a drawer behind her, and took out a rock nestled lightly in a compartment.
"Here. I'll give you this. Just for fuck sakes let me live. I'll even suck your fucking dino-cocks" she offered her lucky rock, and her skills with dino-cock.
“ In the thirty years that I've had this rock, I've never been mauled by a tiger.” She explained.
“We the people of Pangaea accept your offer!.” Frank said almost immediately. He didn't know what a tiger was, but he wanted to be safe just in case.
Thumper objected, he looked pissed, “What are you doing man? We could just kill her and take the rock.”
“Drat! Blast!” Frank yelled out. Nobody expected that. Frank looked pissed too, “well we've already agreed to this stupid deal, and we dinosaurs are a proud people.” Most of the dinosaur collective looked impressed.
“Shit, we've just gotta get home. Don't tell me none of you nitwits have thought up a plan yet?” Frank asked, trying to be polite. He didn't keep up for long though, 'cause none of the nitwits thought up a plan.
The hooker hear a crying from another shelf in her drawer, she opened it up and grabbed her baby. “Where you guys trying to get to anyway?” She asked.
“Back to our home planet ideally, but anywhere in space is fine. We just need to get off this planet so we can send a message back to our homeworld.” Frank said.
“Wait, what? You guys aren't from here? This wreck over here's a spaceship? Fuck off, you're taking this movie shit too seriously.” That baby is gonna grow up with such a potty mouth, I can see it now.
The T-Rex collective all laughed, tried to play off the conversation as a joke.
"What the fuck are you guys going on about. Come on, we've gotta think of a plan to get off this damn planet.” Frank reiterated. They sat. They thought.
Eventually the hooker spoke up, "So you guys from Mexico or somethin'?"
Frank had no idea what she was talking about, he played along to sound smart, "Yeah, we're aliens from Mexico, just don't tell anyone you've seen us. All we want to do is get back home.”
"Well, you're probably gonna need some money, so you're probably gonna need a job. Unless you plan on living tha thug life." Donna said. She was really damn smart, maybe smarter than Frank.
"Thug life?" Frank inquired.
"Ya, you know, dealin, robbin' stealin'. shit like that.”
"This thug life sounds all too interesting.”
"Ya, my pimp tony could hook you up with some odd jobs.”
The rest of the dinosaurs were sitting around watching tv. Filling their minds with garbage and noise. They were watching one of those crappy late night area 51 conspiracy shows, you know the ones that are too ridiculous to turn off, and they make you a little bit crazier every time you watch them.
"HA, secret technology?” Phillip laughed, “people have been sending out pamphlets for building your own planet destroyer for years. these guys are practicaly prehistoric.”
"Yeah, but they've got space ships. Shitty ones, but they'll take us off this Jod foresaken rock,” Fred chimed in.
"We should buy one!” Yelled Frank, and then he asked Donna, the ho, ”Where can we buy a spacecraft?”
"Shit, i can send you to space and stuff for $5 a hit. This is good shit too, not like that crystal piss Chico tries to sell.”
This sounded like a deal to Frank.
The dinosaurs didn't know what they were into. They found some wallets on the mauled bodies and exchanged some little green slips of papers for some even tinier shreds of paper.
FUCK.
They tripped the light fantastic.
Twelve hours later the dinosaurs were a changed people. They realized they could not go on mauling and killing forever, they'd need a change of lifestyle sooner or later,well at least Most of them did anyway.
Frank went crazy, and that bloody smell was now so well imprinted into his memory that it would never go away.
Oh well, most of the other dinosaurs seemed okay. They'd bonded pretty well with that hooker, too well.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere their ship exploded, vaporizing the entire area, leaving only the ship's blackbox behind, filled with diaries and logs. What did you expect? They just crashed the thing and never gave it a second look. The coolant had been leaking for more than a day now. The antimatter just broke out and exploded eventually. Hell I'm surprised they were alive this long. Luckily I found this blackbox before anybody else, but none of the evens from this story ever were reported in the news. No massive slaughter of people in Hollywood be a T-Rex, no explosion in the mountains around L.A. NOTHING. See how YOUR OWN GOVERNMENT tries to cover things like this up?
Anyway, this is why dinosaurs will never be cloned from extinction. Sure, there are plenty of 'good' dinosaurs, but it's impossible to ignore all the horrible crimes that dinosaurs have committed. Historians and scientists everywhere have generally concluded that they're dumb, irresponsible, gluttonous jerks.|
Tuesday, 18 November 2008 at 23:40
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